莫听穿林打叶声

转眼phd的第二年就要过去。忽然很紧张，对于phd来说，两年是个milestone，第二年通常等同于以下名词：master degree；qualify exam；candidency paper。于是我开始回顾，两年里我都干了些什么，于是很有压力的发现，很多事情还没有干。psych的master thesis上半年解决了，这学期的课程结束后master degree是到手了。可是目前还是在pre-candidate的阶段，想要下半年过candidency，就意味着暑假要开始着手portfolio和candidency paper. candidency paper常常和最后的dissertation有一定的overlap，于是我也要构思下我的dissertation想要做什么。当这样一件看起来很“宏伟”的事情“哐当”一下掉在眼前的时候，我还是很恐慌的。目前在忙两个project，分别和两位advisor合作，两个都在进行中，没有哪个是接近尾声的，下周回国了，美国这边的实验还要照常进行，只能抓紧剩余几天的时间来train本科生小RA。再谈到graduate student“伤不起”的一个话题，也就是publication，目前英文pub一个没有，很忧心的和老板聊天，老板说，你暑假把master thesis改出来吧，于是我意识到我本科论文还欠着苏老师的…
两年里，除了take courses，做做research，我还干了啥呢？我还在ballroom dance team里混。想来都很诧异，在team每年换一个舞伴的平均频率下，我居然和同一个人搭档了两年，从我们刚进队里一直到现在──我对于我俩至今还没有break up这一点一直觉得很惊奇。第一学期的时候我英文还不利索，鬼知道我们怎么交流的，第一次比赛前我嫌人家不引带，人家嫌我步子小，嫌来嫌去比赛结果还挺好，于是接着跳。第二学期的第一次比赛是个坎，比得乱七八糟，据舞伴后来坦白说他当时动了break up的心思，可是这心思还没太活动开，第二次比赛又比得挺好，于是就此揭过。去年暑假的时候又有些小插曲，我人在国内都有所耳闻，也做好了break up的准备，最后还是没有break up成。今年伊始两人莫名其妙就jump到了最高级别的team里，却是每到比赛前必出状况，上学期的第一次比赛前两人大吵一架，我恨不能甩出一句狠话，说这话你再说一次咱们就一拍两散，最后这火也没发出来，谈了谈想想还是继续跳吧。这学期平平淡淡的过去，觉得好像彼此熟悉了对方的舞蹈风格，但不知道为什么总觉得有那么个break up的可能性放在那里，既然一直没有散，也就继续一起努力。

还是前两周fMRI training的时候，我每天都郁闷着。
某日晚上去practice，partner问我how's your study？我咬牙切齿的说don't ask. it's painful.
人说：painful?
我：very painful.
当时studio的走廊里有不少人来着，某女生听见我说painful，在包里一阵摸索，取出一瓶止痛喷雾对我说do you need this? it's very effective.
我于是愣住了一下，然后解释说 I mean, mentally painful....
我说完这句话后，刚才还喧闹的走廊忽然安静下来，
另外一个中国女生走过来，小心翼翼的问我：你失恋了么？而止痛喷雾女拍拍我的肩膀说 then just look for another guy!
………
这些孩子，，，，太不纯洁了。。。。

This summer I have two workshops, one on HLM in June, the other on fMRI which is going on right now.
I am totally frustrated by the fMRI course. Have you ever feel totally lost in the lecture hall and feel those other ppl are from Mars talking sth you can hardly make sense of? That's what I feel throughout the day. Those single terms running out ppl's mouths, hardly map into my brains. while I tried to figure out a place in my conceptual framework to fit those things in, they move on to sth I again have no idea of.
Suddenly I have a strange feeling and began wondering how I survived the college physics when we spend a whole semester on quantum physics. Just like now when people are talking about Fourier Transform and K-space. I still cannot translate a K-space to a normal, visible, 2-d or 3-d image. People are talking about how the image went on and how the noise looks like, again I have no idea with. cannot even imagine. I cannot ask questions because i even don't know what to ask. "Sorry i cannot make sense of this whole thing?" I am freaking out.
Labs are better than I've ever imagined. Matlab are treating me ok, compare to lectures. One thing is it tells you there is a bug and where the bug is then you can ask someone who knows what it was talking about. I am figuring things out.
I am running away from the title, but don't want to go back to it. feel to end.

     四月底，第一年的grad school生活告一段落，飞到Denver开会，其间蹭各种reception无数，最丑的莫过于满口大嚼巧克力蛋糕时迎面撞见老板和他的collaborater，结果嘴里塞满东西，等能张口说话时只看见人家的背影了，只好对着背影勇敢的说nice to meet you。其二是见到了崇拜已久的偶像Siegler，冲上去与之合影，形状如十余岁少女追星一般，只差没有带上空白Tshirt一件求个签名。其三是住得酒店离会场有点远，且附近似乎是拉美和黑人群居处，于是常见流浪汉，每天走在路上提心掉胆，还第一次在美国坐了回taxi。
    五月初，飞北京。在北京呆了一周，见到旧友若干，参加舞会一场，另有饭局天天。最可笑是老板也率一群小本来了北京，于是和老板去雕光喝茶（诱惑老板和我一起尝试柚子汁），后受邀和小本聊中国本科生活，顺便传授了一把翻墙技术，于是小本们facebook的很happy，老板对我很无奈。
    五月中返家，关键词“吃”。青菜豆腐不在话下（资本主义国家有啥好，青菜不新鲜豆腐不水嫩，更无逛菜市场的悠闲乐趣），甲鱼河豚也有涉猎。直接导致上飞机前主人看到我，心痛的说“你爸妈真能喂！” 其间学车两天，开完一箱汽油，又去世博暴走三天，排队时就不停琢磨怎么可以走绿色通道，最后跟着老年团混了几个馆，想出一招却终究米有脸面实施，姑且作罢，乖乖排队，见识了“摩肩接踵”的真相和“家有一老，如有一宝”的暗义。在家的日子总归是过得极快，何况假期本就不长。
    六月初返美，第一次遭遇倒时差到不过来的痛楚。耗费整个周末于睡眠之中，后开始暑期HLM的学习。如今正是天天在屏幕前，对着几百个变量咬牙切齿，郁闷的发现这种大样本里面，proximal variable的解释力几乎没有，最后最robust的都是sociological var。于是我的学术信仰遭到了惨无人道的颠覆，现在脸色还绿着呢。之所以还健康的生龙活虎的活着，dance的功劳不在话下，天天晚上practice两小时不是盖得，一身闷气总算和汗水一起从毛孔出来，AA夏夜有风，微凉。
    端午已过，却真真是罢了灯船，闹不了端阳，些许孤单，些许无聊。是为记。

I was discussing my progress this year with my advisor this afternoon.

Me:" so...they are asking me about my 'key accomplishment' this year...what counts for 'KEY' accomplishments?"
Kevin:" well... your wonderful success in ballroom dance competitions!"
Me:" What??!!!!"
Kevin:" It's boring to discuss students' progress on executive committee meeting, you should provide us some good laugh when you can!"
Me:"......"

so...my value is to amuse those profs...lol....

Learning thinking Problem solving 这个的期中paper发下来了，我打开paper看见的第一句comment就是，awkward sentence。。。
继苏老板之后，又看到一位不厌其烦的给我改语法的prof…
我想找个地缝钻进去…

   周末去Ohio的首府Columbus参加Ballroom Dance Competition，两天下来一共跳了40轮，周日半夜也就是周一凌晨到了家，有种浑身散架的感觉。在我看来，比赛的组织水平相当高，不愧是全美级别 的大赛。不出意外的，UMich的ballroom dance team第六次卫冕团体冠军，作为team的一员那是相当的兴奋阿。我自己参加了8个项目，最后拿了6个第一和1个第二，还有一个在semi final进final的时候光荣牺牲，一周来和舞伴小打小闹不断也算有了个还不错的结果。

    和国内的比赛比起来，OSB给我的印象有几点，第一是比赛的分级，第二是比赛的技术化程度，再有就是比赛的funding。当然，参与人数也是相当的可观。

    国内的大学生比赛，譬如精彩人生，常常被诟病的就是甭管你什么级别的dancer都在一个组里跳，当年也曾听到过呼声要设新人组什么的，不知道现在设了没 有。这里的分级则细致也规范的多，比赛的级别一共有new comer，bronze，silver，gold，novice，pre-champ和champ。novice及以上算是open dance，gold及以下是算作syllabus组别。syllabus组别有诸多限制，一是比赛中可以跳的步子要受到级别的限制，比如跳bronze 组的话就不能在比赛中跳gold的步子，不然会被penalize；二是比赛的服装，syllabus组别的选手服装上不能有钻饰、亮片，或是亮闪闪的东 西，摩登舞比赛也不能穿背纱等等，据说是有一个详细的服装说明。个人感觉novice，pre-champ和champ的差别不大，似乎 collegiate比赛中三个level出现同样选手的几率还是挺高的。至于说到new comer组，类似于国内大家所想的新人组，也有限制--在USA Dance的注册时间小于一年（参加全美比赛是需要USA dance id的，所以注册时间是报名系统自动控制的）。当然，惯例是即使是在一年内，如果你在本次比赛中获得了new comer level的胜利（比如说进了final），下次比赛中你也要move up一个level。

    比赛的技术含量，或者说科技含量、专业化水平，是很高的。比如比赛的地板，是专用的ballroom地板，比赛前在地毯上拼装而成的，我还亲眼目睹了赛事 结束后拆地板的场景。而比赛的检录工作全部是在pda这种电子设备上进行的，裁判的评分也是在pda上进行，每一轮的评分结果自动传送到计分处的终端，并 由投影仪直接投射到墙壁上，所以常常是我们一轮比赛刚跳完，那边墙上的晋级结果已经出来了，其效率之高让我感叹不已。再说比赛的报名工作，也完全是通过网 上报名系统完成的，每人可以最多报8个项目。比赛另设无需pre-registration的fun dance若干，比如paso doble，polka，hustle（美国蹦四），west coast swing等等，fun dance与技术关系不大，而是强调dramatic，于是男男组合常有很好的结果…

     参赛的人数也是很多。人数最多的是new comer和bronze等级。我参加new comer的international standard和latin，都是有100来号人。bronze level也是，基本上从第一轮跳到决赛的话一共有5轮，所以对体力的要求也还是蛮高的。有的时候还会有加赛，比如我在参加new comer chacha的时候就在semi final遭遇加赛，据说加赛的目的是break the tier，比如我那一次，第一场semi final的时候场上有14对，要选7对进决赛，然而仿佛是裁判在人选上出现了tier，于是call back了9对进行第二场semi final。不过我觉得这个设计很奇怪。。如果有tier的话把tier那几对叫上来跳个30秒不久完了么。。。

     比赛的funding还是挺丰厚的，不过都是给team的。像umich这次赢了团体冠军，有好像是3000刀的scholarship吧。

最后附上比赛照片一张，tango中：

I had a seminar this morning, with its weekly reading to be methodological papers. For this week, we have a paper on "design research", a paper on "verbal analysis", a paper about a cognitive model (production system) based intervention software, and the last is on tech innovation in school systems.
Here is the conclusion we reached after discussion:
    Design research looks promising, but it can never be conclusive, as it mixed many variables together and cannot differentiate the effect of every single one.
    Verbal analysis and such qualitative research is time consuming. Although you may find some interesting things from descriptions, a study with descriptive data cannot be conclusive.
    Production system looks fantastic, but wait, we just don't buy the idea that every human activity can be treated as production system.
    Tech innovations in school systems, you won't love the idea when you think of the money you have to pay for, and the incapable teachers you have, and the unsure outcome.

    All the four is deviated from the classical experiment-based lab researches. Each of them has some kind of richness in content. Lastly, non of them can be taken as conclusive. Most are messy. Here comes the question. In the lab, we desire neatly designed experiments to manipulate a single or 2-3 variables so we can celebrate when the F or t test has a significant value less than .05. We thought it was conclusive that we are showing the mechanism by eliminating the effort of confounding variables. Every single researcher, when they try to get their research published, pass the peer reviewer, or win a grant, need to state how their researches could contribute to application. However, there's almost no one can achieve the whole process from lab to large scale intervention. When you are doing application things, they are messy in nature. Then how do you deal with this mess?
    The tolerance of messy info somehow depends on how you identify yourself and your work. When you define yourself as doing some "scientific" things, there are usually some negative feeling involved in the messy info. But that is the nature of real world. Then it becomes a dilemma. With an expectation for "neatly" "scientific" ways of researches, we also hold the hope to bridge the gap between lab study and application.

    刚和kevin聊天回来...
    在我如往常一般吐槽prosem之后, Kevin说, 恩, prosem是一个exercise, 终究是为了帮助你作研究的..作为研究僧小盆有, 我希望你还是要开始想想要做什么research拉, 写写proposal出来阿, 把IRB解决拉, 这样12月份你就可以开始做实验了...
    我是不是上课上的太投入结果米有意识到自己是grad student捏...... anyway, 我是研究生, 我要作研究! (心里打鼓的说)